Strange situation - sanity check

I am going through a strange situation and could use a sanity check. My husband (WH) had an affair 3 years ago. We got past it and he has been doing everything right. Fast forward to Dec 2025. He is 66 years old. Back in college, he dated a (different) woman for 1 year. AGES ago! She (67) lives across the country, is married, but she reaches out to him about once per year. I have seen their text messages over the past 12 years that we have been together, and it is always her reaching out. He never initiates contact. He is polite and, in some cases, has not responded. I am 99% sure there was more history there before me, but he won’t admit it. Since I came into his life, WH has never proactively reached out to her or seen her. I did see a message years ago from her expressing to WH that she never truly got over him, but she ultimately accepted that they are just friends. It was a sad, desperate message coming from a woman who as been married for 25+ years. He does not know that I know this. And quite frankly, I saw it and was not threatened, so never brought it up, as it was water under the bridge.

That said, she has recently reached out to him again last week. I was not going to say anything, it annoyed me, but he picked up on my bad mood and pressed me to tell him what was wrong. So I finally blew my top. He thought I was overreacting. I know he has zero interest in her, but I am upset that he does not see or support my perspective. Should I just let it go? Why am I so upset if it is nothing? He was defensive and said she is literally just an old college friend. He is understating their history, but I think he is understating it because it has no relevance to us. I am at the point that I want to reach out to her myself and tell her to f--- off. They are not doing anything ‘wrong’ so I am not sure why I am so upset.

0 comment posted: Monday, December 15th, 2025

So....how do I trust?

The AP is back. I am losing my mind, yet again. D day was 1.5 years ago. My WH was caught, dropped the AP, although she clung on and tried to stay in touch for months, it did not work. He was resolute in ending it. We got through it. I have access to all devices and seen zero contact for a long time. So...his former AP out of nowhere messages, a few days ago. It was a random message, made no sense, it was administrative and not personal to him. I confronted him immediately and said we were done. Yes, I am now at the Plane of Lethal Flatness. He was horrified and trying to reassure me that they are not in contact at all. (I know they have not seen one another in 1.5 years) He blocked her and then deleted the messaging ap (as he never uses it, I have verified this). He gave me his phone. But I know this means nothing. I thought we were past this, but she just creeped in. Again. So either they are talking OR she is fishing. She has fished many times before. My divorce lawyer thinks she is fishing, and that WH is probably not guilty. I know where WH is 24/7 and have access to his phone and computer. So this may be a one-off random message, or I am missing a bigger issue. I don't know what to believe and can't live like this. What do the wise people at SI think? Did I overreact or is this a real warning signal? I hate that just when I was feeling more normal again, something like this happens and it sets me back to square one emotionally.

18 comments posted: Thursday, September 5th, 2024

Ran into the OW and now spiraling

Long story short, in reconciliation for a year (going ok) and he has not spoken to her in a year, really since right after d-day. It is truly over, as far as I can tell, although I am still in mild surveillance mode. She (OW) was a bit of a stalker for 4 months after d-day. It has been a few months of her silence so I thought we were in the clear. I think her final messages to him actually showed him how much he did not want any part of this person.

I was feeling ok until now. OW lives 2 towns over so we never would normally run into her. But...she somehow managed to be involved in a golf tournament he was in a few weeks ago and I walked right past her twice. She did not recognize me. This was the first time I had ever seen OW in person, and it rattled me. She’s attractive, I was not expecting that. I was stunned, sad and angry. The good news is that I did not engage. But after the fact I was furious and wanted to scream to everyone that she is a homewrecker. Instead I vented in my journal. I am glad I did not engage, but feel like she got away with this affair and came out unscathed. Walking around an event where she absolutely knew he would be (he plays every tournament here, so she knew). Her arrogance scares me. After d-day, I never confronted OW because I did not want to lower myself or give her any reaction from me. That said, I suspect she’ll pop up again. Has anyone had a situation like this? I am in IC which helps, but I have a new underlying sense of dread. Part of me wants to move, but that is not realistic. I know I cannot control another person, but I still feel this stress affecting me.

26 comments posted: Saturday, July 27th, 2024

Ongoing issue during reconciliation

So, I have been through hell in the past year. Married 6 years. Been through D Day. Caught my WH in an EA/PA early in 2023. It had been going on for 8 months. OW is married. I sat on the info for a while as I lined up a divorce lawyer & collected evidence. I was a broken. When he realized I was on to him, he broke it off with AP. Never saw her again.

The problem is, the AP has not let it go. She started messaging him trying to stay in touch. Going on for months. He reluctantly responded, barely. Was trying to avoid her drama. I finally got massively angry and had a huge confrontation with him about all of it. I threatened D and demanded NC. My bag was packed. He apologizes, begged, etc. Reconciliation began. It was after this that he finally went NC with the AP. It has been months of NC from him, although she keeps trying to reach him.

He says he ignores her because ‘that is NC’, but she is not going away. My WH is trying to work on us and has been doing great. Repeatedly shows he is committed to us and only us. His actions match. But does not take a hard line on her. He thinks that any contact will ‘stir things up again’ and he believes that she will ‘eventually go away’. But every time there is something from her, we regress.

30 comments posted: Sunday, February 11th, 2024