It has been a while. I needed to take a break. Things have been so much better. I think mostly because I feel healed myself. I am someone who doesn’t dwell too much on feeling down and I get on with things. I was bored of feeling miserable and having arguments in front of the children was having an awful impact on them. I am going out with friends more and focusing on my job.
I think where I am struggling is that my husband, acts like the victim in all of this. He often gets triggered and reminds me
Of things I did in reaction to me finding out. I will occasionally make a snidy comment but I am trying hard to let it go. However, my bringing up the affair is usually a reaction to him, like, he will get really upset that my family don’t really speak to him anymore and he will blame me for this as he feels I really bad mouthed him (which I did) and I didn’t do enough to rehabilitate him to them. I then point out that I found messages to his ap only 8 months ago so rehabilitating him is hard, and his response was to say I should have kept my mouth shut (I am an open book where he is very private.
He also still drinks a lot and recently he has fallen out with his family badly. He couldn’t let go some of the strong messages they sent him after d-day. and he recently sent some really horrible message to his sister while drunk. He had insisted on reading messages on my phone which he used in his messages to her.
Anyway, my mother in law recently spoke to me about it and she asked me if he was going through my phone and I said occasionally and she said that was abusive. I told her I have kept my password from him now. But I didn’t tell her that I still on occasion go through his. We both don’t trust each other. Even though I feel it in my gut that, the relationship between him and her is finally dead. I guess my question, is do I need to let this go, this checking if the phone? I maybe do it every few months, I am not sure it is healthy. My husband wants my password and says it isn’t fair that I know his but he doesn’t know mine. If he gets an opportunity, I find he goes through everything, my search history l, all my private message switch friends, where a si tend to look, to see if he is contacting her or not.
My husband isn’t a bad person, he is overwhelmed by shame and recently he has been so apologetic and I think sending those messages to his family was a real wake up call to him and to his family who buried their heads in the sand. They have made some very strong comments to him recently which he is hearing and he is recognising he needs outside hep. He also knows that he doesn’t have may people in his life and fears losing me so has massively stepped up.
